Accelerator positive feedback. (see Kangaroo petrol) Caused by soggy engine mounts with a lever type throttle linkage. When you press the accelerator the engine 'twists' thereby magnifying the movement of the linkage, that causes more acceleration. Works decelerating too. Replace engine mounts and consider a cable type linkage. Not to be confused with a novice driver which looks similar.
Brakes - never skimp, very important (note lack of full stop)
Barn. A wonderful thing, full of mystery and surprise. Always look but watch for farmers.
Bastard. Someone who lies better than you, commonly associated with car sales. (Doesn't apply to Club member Midge sellers)
Big end knock, less amusing than it sounds, rare these days, but worth repairing immediately.
Bolt. A fixing that is associated with nuts and washers Wikipedia explains it.
or....to Scarper. Suddenly.
Carburettor, replace when worn. Expensive but worth it.
Christmas. A time of joy, (or licence points) and money better spent on carburettors. If you haven't spent it on the carburettor, and decide to have a Christmas run, take a mobile phone and a tow-rope.
Crankshaft, try not to annoy it.
Crankshaft end seal. The cause of the oil coming out below your flywheel housing. See Oil leak.
D.v.l.a. Either a devil or an angel, avoid, but be polite.
Distributor. Electro mechanical wizardry. Keep it dry and don't lick it.
Dzus fastener. Neat but expensive push and twist fixing. Ideal for engine side panels. Rarely used as nobody can remember the name. See Zeus.
Expenditure. Cheap is rarely better, buy a proper one.
Extinguisher, see fire.
Electronic. Points. Solves a lot of odd problems like starting. See God (not literally, go to G)
Farm. Useful training ground and roomy with it. See Barn.
Fire extinguisher. A good thing.
Folding windscreen. We are working on it.
Fitter. Not a mechanic, slightly oily but generally dangerous near cars. Knows just enough to get at bits it doesn't understand and bend them. Allergic to specific, repeated and pointed questions.
G spot, that slight pressure on the accelerator that keeps the engine going, balanced between stalling and flooding. Don't look at me like that.
God. The last option when trying to get it to start, rarely helps and is even more rarely acknowledged when it does. Has an odd sense of humour.
Gremlin. Mechanically attuned imp. Usually found loosening things.
Guarantee. Something that falls off as you drive out of the showroom, makes a rustling noise like a lot of banknotes blowing away.
Honesty. Rarely found in the car world. See White-lie and Bastard.
Idiot. Normally everybody else, but remember your car's top speed. See Rear view.
Idle. A. Tick-over speed or B. Blethering when you should be fixing.
Jim. Fount of all knowledge. (Aye that'll be right.) See Idle.
Kangaroo petrol. Usually a nervous driver or a sticky accelerator, but occasionally linkage feedback. see Accelerator.
Logic. You bought a Midge. Logic doesn't come into it. Useful when diagnosing faults.
Mechanic, a species now largely extinct, replaced by 'fitters.' Expensive and dangerous but occasionally necessary. Originally 'Engineers' which are now practically extinct, but if you find a live one of those, keep it warm, fed and comfortable and don't tell anyone.
Map. solid state satnav. Folds more easily and doesn't require electricity.
Mk2 Midge. The story continues 4x4. Based on Suzuki Running gear
Motorist. Person who drives and thinks. (not the same as a driver)
Man. Singular of Men. Some know a lot about cars, some nothing, no external differential characteristics. (They look the same) Confusing the two can prove painful.
Nitrous Oxide. Not a good idea in your old car.
Nuts. often associated with bolts and spanners.
Noise. Something described by non motorists
Oil leaks. Engine. Usually a badly fitted oil filter, sump-bolt washer or rocker-box cover gasket. Dirty oil from the hole under the clutch bell housing is probably the rear crankshaft end seal, more rarely clean oil is from the gearbox shaft front seal. Sometimes it is just the crank-case breather. In the event of not having an oil leak in a car or motorcycle over 30 years old, stop. You have run out of oil.
Pinking, or knocking. Petrol air mixture too weak or timing too early. Will burn a hole in your piston eventually.
Positive balance. The thing you had in the bank until you saw that new carburettor.
Positive camber. It's a Triumph thing.
Pop-rivet. Alloy or steel spot welding alternative, useful.
Questions. Ask somebody, two heads are better than one.
Queen's highway. Something you pay through the nose for unless you have blagged Historic classification. Still doesn't belong to you. See idiot.
Quarter lights. Triangular (usually) windows. Keeps the rain out of your right ear.
Rivit. Noise a frog makes, see pop-rivet
Rivet. Basically a hot bashed bolt.
Rear view (mirror), designed to help see rapidly approaching Idiot, reportedly not used by Italians.
Red metal. If you see it you need to replace the bearings. shows first on the lower half of main bearings and the upper half of big ends. Can only be seen when you have disassembled the engine to diagnose the noise called big end knock.
Spanner. Use the right one. US uses Wrench for unexplained reasons.
Starting problems. Air (mixture), Water (damp), Petrol too much or too little, Electricity (enough spark and at the right time) Battery. Work through each system logically. Sometimes you can bypass a system, but remember it is usually a combination of faults. See Electronic points, Swearing, God.
Swearing. Not usually much b****y use. See God.
Sat-Nav. Where would we be without them?
Tyres. important, watch your tracking.
Tracking. Misalignment causes feathering on tyres and poor grip. see Tyres.
Turning mudguards. I like them, JC doesn't. 'Nuff said.
Timing. see Distributor and Electronic
U turn, a Junction known only to sat-navs. Seems to involve deafness or inattention.
Underneath. Where problems happen, Mechanics are sometimes found here.
Very. A word to be careful of when found in an advert. Replace with 'damned' and then delete it.
Vacuum advance tube. A very small but vital piece of magic.
Vibration. A sensation felt before something falls off.
Water over heating, Modern thermostats fail shut, so if it isn't a broken fan belt or a clogged radiator (horizontal tube type) check that. (carefully)
Women. Too complicated for here, but remember you can't really sleep in the car, so try not to offend. Some know a lot about cars, some nothing. Confusing the two can prove painful. See Men.
White lie. describing the car you have for sale in a manner that may result in regret in buyer. See Bastard. Use with care when explaining costs to spouse.
White metal. Used in main bearings and big-ends. See Red metal.
Wire wheels. Horribly expensive. Almost the only way of getting away from 13" but you can spend £1000 getting two inches taller. Looks great.
Cross. Don't get cross, its not the car's fault. Buy it a new carburettor for xmas. Note pun.
Why did I buy this? I don't know.
Good idea, sleep on it
Zener Diode. Early electronic widget.
Zeus fixing. You mean Dzus.